


About a million reasons.

by skyblue993



Series: Jonnor oneshots [51]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Canon Elements, Flashbacks, Jonnor - Freeform, M/M, Oneshot, Post-Break Up, Resolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-07 06:13:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10353918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyblue993/pseuds/skyblue993
Summary: You don't realize how much something means to you until you've lost it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'll probably never get over how much I love these two.

The worst thing to deal with after breaking up with someone that lived in the same apartment as you is is to get used to the feeling of seeing the ex's  _ghost_  at every corner of the apartment. Jude can't go to the bathroom without literally getting glimpses before his eyes of all the times Connor's been sitting on the edge of the bathtub and patiently listened to his venting while Jude was standing at the sink shaving his beard, about the shitty coworker that used to appropriating of his favorite parking spot in the lot, the one further away from the bushes and closest to the front door. Because let's face it; Jude's a sleepy, lazy shitty head in the morning.

It's hard enough to have to deal with his breakup, because although it's been _weeks_ since the day Connor moved out, Jude's still hoping for Connor to cross that threshold. He, indeed, called himself pathetic for flinching at every noise, voice, sound coming from the outside like a freaking loser, his heart sinking in despondency every single time he realized that Connor will most likely never come home to him after what he's done.

Not a day goes by without wishing to go back in time and take his words, _his fears_ back but Jude has learned, the hard way that, some mistakes just can't be taken back.

 

\--

It all started when Taylor broke up with her longtime boyfriend, Tom days before their wedding.

"It's just-- we've been together for so long that he's become more like.. my best friend? I.. I wasn't completely sure but then, he spent a month away in Bangladesh for work and I... -- oh god, it's awful to say this but I _didn't miss him_  like I thought I would. It's become a habit, you know?"

_Jude didn't know._

He honestly didn't even understand what all of that was coming from... "B-but he's been _Tom_ since you were sixteen, h-how can you feel _nothing_ for someone that's been in your life for so long?"

"Jude," and then she took his hand, "People get a divorce after twenty years of marriage. It doesn't mean anything."

"W-what if you're just scared to take this big step with Tom? What if you're making a terrible mistake you'll end up regretting for the rest of your life?"

"Jude." There was a sad smile playing at the corners of Taylor's lips that allowed Jude to see how serious she was, "Marry someone I love as my best friend and  _not_  as my fiancè is what I'd be up regretting for the rest of my life."

"Why can't it be both?" Jude sounded rightfully upset but not for the reason he was desperate to convince himself. What Taylor was telling him made awfully sense.

What if the presence of someone you've been with since you were barely sixteen becomes just an habit you can't get it done with simply because, the thought alone of hurting someone you love that much makes your heart ache? Something you've never even considered, solely because of the fright to start all over again?

"To make it work, it has to be  _both."_ Taylor smiled sadly, "but when you reach a point you realize that it just doesn't work anymore, that the spark is forever gone... you might want to take action before it's too late."

Those words made Jude reflect on things he never even dared to question, before.

When you find the love of your life at such young age as Jude and Connor, there's literally no one else in your life than that one person for the rest of your life. That's it. It's settled. It's the person you're meant to spend the rest of your life with. But as days went by, one thought in Jude's mind started spinning like a freaking hurricane second-guessing the only constant in his life, aside from his family.

Jude didn't want to let Connor notice, at first, but Connor's always had the capacity of reading right through him without even making that much of an effort, so Connor figured that there was something off with his boyfriend as soon as he stepped through the door, that same day.

"Breathe. Breathe." Jude repeated to himself as Connor stood up from the kitchen stool and slowly made his way towards him to greet him with that heart-melting smile of his.

"Welcome back home." Connor's smile burned a hole in his chest, making Jude hard to breathe. Then Connor cupped his cheeks and kissed him as any other day Jude had just come home. "I missed you."

Usually, those words never failed to melt Jude in a puddle but this time, it made Jude's heart race for all the wrong reasons. Suddenly, he felt like suffocating. He needed Connor to take a step back, which he did, as soon as he noticed how pale Jude got in the face and how irregular his breathing turned.

"Babe, what's wrong?"

Jude shook his head, gulping down saliva as he took a step back, "I.. I don't know. I just couldn't breathe."

Connor frowned, his eyebrow raising in a perfect arch as he asked, "Did something happen?"

That.

That was the best opportunity Jude could ever seize to spill his fears and concernings.

"No.. I'm just tired. You know how Taylor gets when she starts venting."

"Oh.." Connor nodded, "Yeah. I get it. How is she?"

Jude snorted, his voice became raspy and high pitched. "How is she supposed to feel? She's upset. She's the one who called off the wedding but it doesn't mean she doesn't feel shitty about it.."

"Okay, okay.. no need to get pissed at me."

Jude looked away, ashamed of snapping at his boyfriend for the way his feelings were all currently all over the place. He came home for barely three minutes and he was already screwing everything up. Great.

"I need to sleep it off."

 

\---

Jude's twitchy and detached behavior started to make Connor suspicious, with each passing day.

"I think we need to talk." Connor announced, one Friday afternoon. He'd been trying to coerce a single word out of Jude but so far he'd kept pretending that everything was completely fine. Except, Jude was a completely lousy actor whose feelings were clear and visible into those big, doe eyes. He knew there was something afflicting his boyfriend and the remote possibility that Jude didn't feel comfortable or trust Connor enough to talk to him about his inner struggles truly broke his heart.

Jude didn't even look up from his loveseat when he heard Connor's voice interrupting his reading. The sound of the book being slammed shut echoed through the room, causing Connor to flinch. Jude stood up and faced his boyfriend with the look of someone that hadn't slept him days.

“Let's talk.”

 

\---

When Jude was barely a kid, he met _this boy_. That's how he introduced him to his sister for the first time before saying, voice excited and full of joyfulness like never before in his young life. "His name is Connor."

There hadn't been a name his family heard more coming from Jude's lips since the day they met in that history class.

Throughout Jude's whole puberty and adolescence, his personal struggles and the challenging path of discovering himself, Connor's always been his constant and held his blue-painted nails throughout the whole rough path

Even when things got hectic. Even when Adam Stevens tried and failed miserably to keep them apart or Callie thought Connor was a bad influence on him, that time Daria outed them and Jude felt like standing under the spotlight, exposed judged for who he was by the whole school.. They always stood next to each other, made united front against the whole world.

"It's warpaint, right?"

Jude smiled, then kissed him on the lips on that hospital bed where their feelings finally came out into the light. Everything felt so easy back then; They were so young and foolish and in love that everything else was just vain, irrelevant. Why did they have to worry about anything when they life felt so good in each other's company?

Jude bawled his eyes out for days when Connor told him about his departure. It wasn't a surprise, at that point, but the thought of being apart for weeks, _days_ from him, suddenly became unacceptable to Jude. He seriously considered, for like a quarter of a second, to break it off in the throes of a panic attack but then the sole thought became ridiculous. If he wasn't able to survive a couple of days without Connor, how was he supposed to survive a lifetime without him?

"I'm gonna miss you."

"I'm gonna miss you, too."

"Promise you won't give up on us."

"I won't."

That was a pinky promise they never broke. Not after Connor's departure or miles and miles keeping them apart. Not after Connor confessed to Jude that a kid of his school tried to kiss him and Jealousy started getting in the mix. Not after that time Connor's promised to come into town for Jude's birthday and bailed on him at the last second. Jude called him that night and screamed at him through the haze of tears how much he hated the distance between them.

"I know, baby. I know. Please, d-don't cry."

"I hate this.."

"I hate this too but we're stronger than anything coming in our way."

"I know... it's just-- I miss you."

"I miss you too.."

They both fell asleep with tears dried on their cheeks, just listening to each other's soft breathing and for a moment, it felt like Connor was right there with him.

\--

- 

They survived everything in a way that no one thought it possible for two young boys who've found love so incredibly soon in their lives. People say that every sacrifice made in life will be pay off, eventually. Jude never thought it could possible but right after graduating from college, they put their heads in the apartment hunting and found this cozy, intimate place that was just perfect for the two of them and quickly became their love nest.

The moment they put a foot into their home, Jude finally felt like breathing again because every piece of the puzzle was now back into place like it was exactly supposed to be.

 

A couple of people commented out of genuine curiosity. "Wow, you've got together with Connor at such young age! You were just a kid!"

Or some nasty, gossiping kind of women asked him, "You've been together with him for ten years. Have you ever gotten bored of being with the same person all these years? I mean, you barely saw the world out there."

"I don't need to see the world with anyone but Connor."

But then now...

Well, maybe formed in a more polite form, the question wasn't that unfounded. Neither of them, indeed, had been together with anyone but one another.  
What if they were together because they've never seen what the world had to offer? What if the only thing that kept them together was a habit? What if there was someone out there that could make them happier than one another?

 

\-- 

  
"What?"

Connor sounded outright confused, hurt, outraged, caught off guards. Take a pick.

"I.. I think we should spend some time apart."

 

Connor packed his stuff that same day. He refused to even acknowledge Jude's presence in the room, looking at him with tears in his eyes from the doorway. 

Jude knew Connor wasn't going to listen but he still tried when he said, voice trembling and low, "You don't have to go.."

Connor, surprisingly, let out a snort as he zipped his suitcase. "You said you think we could use some time apart and then you say I don't have to go. Contradictory, much?"

Jude bit on his bottom lip, fighting back tears as he watched, without fighting, the man of his life actually walking out the door with intention, this time, to stay away from him.

\---

 

Spring cleaning is the absolute worst, especially since it basically forces Jude to spend the whole time re-living painful memories of his past. Jude remembers one time he's been dusting on top of the wardrobe and had to climb the ladder because he simply couldn't reach up there and Connor stood down there, holding the wobbling ladder for him so that Jude wasn't going to fall from it.

It's astonishing how a simple, beautiful memory could turn into physical torture in a matter of weeks.

Jude trips over the carpet while texting Taylor and the phone literally flies out of his hands and lands under the bed. Jude bends down to reach for it and right there, resting undisturbed in the further corner of the bed, he sees a box.

His eyebrows come together in a frown at first, then his heart skipped beats; There was only one person that could have left it there. He crawls on the dusty floor, under the bed, intentioned to check the content of it. 

Jude's sitting on his bed, taking a deep breath as he lifts the lid of the box. Connor's printed some pics of them and put them into the box, there are several of them, no scratch that; there are pictures of a _lifetime_ in there. The one that catches Jude's attention and makes his heart ache is the one from the night of prom. Jude remembers that night. It was, hands down, one of the best nights of his life. Connor, the sneaky boy, asked for Jude's moms' permission to make Jude spend the weekend of the prom in LA. Jude's moms, of course, said yes. Then he made sure to let his mom know that they were going to stay over at Patrick's mansion for the night with the rest of their friends. Connor's mom knowing how accommodating Patrick's parents were, just told them to have fun. When Prom was over, Connor blindfolded him and took him to the best hotel in town where, thanks to the money he's been saving from giving math tutoring lessons for the whole year, he's been able to afford them a room.

Jude was so happy that his heart started doing somersaults as soon as Connor took the blindfold off his eyes and led him into the room.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it." Jude was about to start crying because Connor was the best boyfriend Ever. "I love you."

\---

 

Tears are rolling down his cheeks, his breath coming in short puffs of air as he puts the picture back in his place. He inhales sharply through his nose and picks another one, and another one, and another until Jude's mind so wrapped in all these memories that his chest starts lifting heavily with every trembling breath he exhales. Some of them make him cry, sigh or giggle as the photo taken on his 21st birthday, right after he's blown all the candles and Callie thought it was funny to push the cake in his face.

All the pics had been taken out of the box when Jude notices a small box at the bottom of it.

His breath catches in his throat as he pulls the velvet box in his trembling hands and realizes the purpose of the content of this box.

Soon, the box is completely covered in Jude's tears having realized that now, more than ever, all the doubts and fears spinning through his head leaves space to a bigger, more devastating thought; You don't realize how much something means to you until you've lost it.

 

 

Jude is well aware that Adam is probably going to beat his ass, once and for all, this time but hell, if anyone isn't going to open this fucking door in this immediate moment Jude is probably going to have a seizure.

"What the-- Jude?"

Jude's hand freezes midair as soon as Connor opens the door of his father's house.His mouth falling agape in genuine surprise for the sight he's being met with. Jude is breathing heavily through his nose, his face pale as a ghost as he'd been crying all the way there. He's trembling like a leaf as he left the house with no jacket on, and box firmly held against his chest by his other arm.

"What's going on?"

Jude starts sobbing, words leaving his mouth through an unintelligible babbling of sounds that makes Connor really hard to catch his words. Connor's hand comes to rest on his arm, his eyes gentle and worried do nothing but make Jude sob more.

"Y-you... y-you--" and then another sob.

"What? Jude, what's going on? Jude. Please, calm down. Hey--" Connor lifts his chin, then his eyes flick down to the box and when finally Connor connects the dots, something flashes across his eyes, causing him to take a step back from Jude.

Jude's eyes grow wide, pleading as he mumbles through a more coherent vomit of words, "Y-you w-were going to p-p-propose.. you--"

"I did." Connor's tone becomes suddenly glacial, causing Jude to recoil from the detachment filling his voice and in his eyes as he admits, "I was going to.. but then you broke up with me."

Those words serve as a cold shower to Jude, snap him back from the haze of tears and makes him shriek, “I didn't! I told you I--"

"You thought we needed some time apart. Okay. Whatever." Connor rolls his eyes, fisting his hands in his pockets, then he stares for a moment too long at the box in Jude's arms as he's trying to collect his thoughts. Eventually, he sighs. "You can keep it. It was meant to be yours, after all."

"I.. I came here to apologize and--"

"Oh yeah. I can see that." Connor snorts indignantly, "You came all the way here knowing I'd crawl back to your feet, didn't you? The asshole wants to marry me so let's go take him back."

"It's not like that and you know it!"

"Then, why? Huh? Why take this break. Why push me away from you. Why, Jude? Why did you have to shatter us, like this? Why after everything we've gone through--"

"That's why--"

As soon as Jude starts talking, he's immediately being cut off by Connor's hand lifting to stop him right there.

"No. no. no. You got to talk and now it's my turn. I wanted to surprise you with those pictures hanging on the wall in our bedroom and I wanted to lead you there and-- and get on my knee and ask you, surrounded by all the beautiful memories we've made. I wanted to give you the proposal you deserved and you know why? Because I love you since we were thirteen years old and I couldn't spend another day without having the certainty that we were going to have our happy ending, together!"

Jude swallows down the lump formed in his throat as he utters out feebly, "I want that. I-- fuck, I screwed it up and I've been a coward throughout these five weeks. I... I was scared that if I got to come here, you would have ended up rejecting me. I spent every single day waiting for you to come home when I was supposed to call you, beg you to come home.."

"Glad we're on the same page 'bout that..." Connor tells him with a sharp tone in his voice and eyebrow raised in puzzlement.

"I was too scared to admit the real reason for this pause.."

"Which is still unknown if you ask me..." Connor retorts, with a roll of his eyes.

"Let's just say that I let panic taking over me for something that didn't even exist and pushed away the love of my life from me..." Jude admits. Connor doesn't seem too convinced by his words but the strict line in his brows somehow softened. 

"I'm listening.."

Jude feels his heart getting a bit lighter as he says, "I've wondered if we're together because we're each other's person or just due to an habit.."

"What the fuck? W-why haven't you just told me?"

"Because." Jude takes a deep breath before lifting the lid of the box, pulling the velvet box out. "I'm an asshole sometimes and I made a terrible mistake I wish I could take back."

Jude got down on one knee and looked at the man of his life trying to bit back a smile. 

"What are you doing? That's _my_ ring.." Connor let a single giggle to escape his lips before regaining his composure.

"It's the gesture that counts, isn't it?" Jude smiles, reaching for Connor's hand.

"Easy to say with _my_ ring in your hand." Connor deadpans with a roll of his eyes but a small smile playing on the corners of his lips. "People are watching.."

Jude just shakes his head. He doesn't care.

"Connor Stevens.. you don't have to say yes--"

"--Glad you're taking that answer into account."

"But I'll try this anyway... One day, I met this awesome, gorgeous guy that stole my heart since the moment we met--"

"Sap."

"Will you let me finish?" Jude laughs. Connor's laughing too although he will never admit it, then he nods his head. Jude goes on with his speech.

"The moment you left, you took a piece of me away with you. You know I suck at speeches, don't give me that look. I came here hoping that you'll forgive me for letting those fears to push away and hurt the person that means the most to me. I've been in love with you for half of my life and I just want to spend the other half of it with you because there's no one I would want more, in this life, than you."

"Wow.." Connor's rightfully tearing up, his voice comes out raspy and low- pitched. "You don't suck  _that much_ at speeches."

"I don't need another minute wondering if you're the man of my life because now I just know that you are my person so... Connor Stevens--"

"Oh God--"

"Will you forgive this asshole and take him as your husband?" Jude's eyes grow wide with wonderment as he watches Connor's whole body going strung tight for a long moment, then he pulls Jude back on his feet and sneaks his arms around his neck, brushing their noses together for a brief moment that makes Jude's heart stutter in his chest.

"I.. I didn't hear an answer.." Jude stutters out, locking eyes with Connor's. 

"You're my person, Jude Adams Foster and I forgive you and.. ultimately, yes."

"Yes?"

_"Yes."_

Jude kisses him, long and deep, reveling in the soft noises Connor makes from his throat as he sucks on his bottom lip. Jude pulls away from him, brushing their noses together. It's been only weeks but it's like a whole eternity has gone by since the last time he kissed Connor; His best friend, his person, his _fiancè_ , whose whole heart will always be his, no matter what.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated :)


End file.
